As someone who grew up without seeing a single video of myself—except as a blob of light dancing on a stage, far away—I can’t seem to get used to the fact that my son likes nothing more than watching videos of himself as a baby.
Some of his favorite videos are of him trying out his first foods: staring at them like they were foreign objects, trying to get them to his mouth with his chubby little hands. And seeing his parents’ looks of interest, pride, and a fair bit of concern.
Eating—and what, how, and when our kids do (or don’t do) it—is one of the things that many of the parents I support also spend considerable time observing and thinking about.
You might have worried about how much milk or formula your children needed when they were babies. Just when you got that figured out, they started eating solids and a whole new list of things to worry about replaced the original concerns. Those worries might include:
What they do/do not eat
How much they do/do not eat
How much of the food ends up dropped on the floor or flung across the room
How much time you spend coaxing, cajoling, begging, or following your kid around the house to get them to eat
Whether they are becoming a lifelong “picky eater” before your helpless eyes
Does any of this sound familiar?
If so, your pediatrician or a trained nutritionist can offer helpful suggestions for how to navigate this tricky topic. And, I’ll share some thoughts here on how you might approach food and eating from a respectful-parenting perspective.
1. Understand Who Decides What
If the “whats” and “hows” challenge you, I’m happy to tell you that fortunately, there is a simple and effective framework for thinking about eating that can help parents know who is in charge of what when it comes to mealtimes.
Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding offers beautiful guidance to parents on what to keep on our job description when it comes to feeding our kids, and what to take off.
The basic idea is that:
You are responsible for when, where, and what your child is offered to eat.
You decide what time meals happen and where they will be held.
You choose the food that goes on her plate.
Your child is responsible for what and how much he eats.
Your child decides what to put in his mouth, and how much of it.
As simple as this sounds, it can of course be tricky to approach mealtimes this way, especially if you’ve been in the habit of taking a more active role in what and how much your child eats.
But following this guidance can be a huge relief if you have felt that you “should” get your child to eat more of certain foods.
I know well how frustrating it can be to watch your child eat only the rice on his plate, or claim to hate broccoli when she ate it up just two days ago. However, typically parents find that as they take a step back from trying to make eating happen, a bigger picture starts to emerge.
Some meals are easy and smooth. Your child may seem up for eating just about any food. Other meals she is locked into eating only raspberries, or bread. And sometimes, she eats almost nothing at all.
Somehow she makes it through the night, wakes up and has a giant breakfast, and the cycle begins again.
And, as you start to relax around eating, so does your child.
2. Follow Your Child’s Lead
I find that one of the main RIE principles comes in quite handy with food and eating.
That idea, essentially, is to trust in your child’s competence—that he will naturally be eager to explore what he is ready for. And, as Magda Gerber liked to put it, we can help the most sometimes when we “do less.”
There is a study that backs up this idea, from the 1930s, when pediatrician Clara Davis studied the eating habits of a group of infants (6-11 months old).
A variety of food was put out for the infants for each meal—ranging from various fruits and vegetables to grains, and even meats like beef, brains, and sweetbreads—and the babies were free to eat whatever they liked and however much they liked, with no encouragement or input from the adult (a nurse) in the room.
Dr. Davis found that the babies ate a wide variety of foods, in varying amounts, sometimes eating nothing but oranges or beef for several days before moving on to new foods or eating a range of things. One baby who came in with severe rickets regularly drank from a little dish of cod liver oil until his rickets were healed, and then didn’t touch it again.
What I love about this study is that the babies weren’t cheered for when they ate a certain food (or ate at all, as we are prone to do), nor were they encouraged to eat certain foods, more of any food, or at all, in fact. The babies were free to eat what they could on their own and if they gestured to the nurse, she would help them eat with a spoon without comment. While they ate differently, all of the babies developed healthy appetites and grew well.
This is only one study, of course, but it points to the fact that there are many ways to eat, and to eat for health, and that even babies under one year old can figure this out if we offer them a healthy variety of foods and then let them take the lead.
3. Remember that Your Child is a Scientist
One thing that it can be especially useful to remember when our children are little is that they are born scientists.
This is true when it comes to food, and also when it comes to things like language, behavior, play, and so much more.
Young children are constantly testing things out to see how they work, or what happens when they do, say, or taste something new.
With new foods and mealtimes, this can manifest simply as The Face. You know what I mean—the face that looks like one part confusion, one part barf, when your child tries a new food for the first time.
The Face can actually mean so much more or other than “eew, gross!” Often it just means, “wow, that is a totally new taste!” Children need to try certain foods multiple times before deciding whether they like them, so don’t let The Face stop you from offering the food again (and again).
In fact, even if your child is old enough to verbalize his dislike of a certain food, I urge you to try again, maybe even 10 times, before you give up.
Similarly, when your child suddenly holds her arm parallel to the floor and drops whatever food is in her hand, you might be tempted to scold her for making a mess. Remember, she is learning both what the food does when dropped, as well as what Dad does when she drops it.
She also might just be telling you she’s done. You can always ask, “are you finished?” and take the food away if that seems to be the case. She’ll let you know if you misunderstood.
4. Keep it Interesting
Toddlers and young children love things that look interesting, and they appreciate beauty, too. See if you can keep that in mind when you’re preparing your child’s meal.
If you imagine a plate divided into quadrants, think of putting something different into each quadrant. It doesn't have to be fancy. For example, you might put berries in one quadrant, a little cheese in another, some cut veggies in the third, and a little protein or a grain in the fourth. Any variety works—just keep the amounts small and make sure that at least two of the four quadrants contain tried-and-true foods that your child will eat.
The point here is to offer choices, as well as make the food look appealing. You may find that your child eats everything from one or two quadrants and ignores the rest. If you serve the exact same food the next day, what he chooses to eat might be totally different.
Our kids’ tastes, cravings, and nutritional needs change from day to day, just like ours do.
5. Don’t Forget to Connect
Did you ever notice that food tastes better when you’re enjoying it with people you love, and a healthy dose of laughter and warmth?
Our kids eat better when these things are present, too. I’m a fan of family meals for this reason and because it can simplify food prep for parents and reduce the time we spend cleaning up each day. Family meals also get you in the habit of cooking one meal for everyone—knowing of course that what your children decide to eat in that meal will be up to them.
That said, some parents opt to do separate mealtimes for their kids because they know things go better if the kids eat at 5:00 and the grownups eat in peace and quiet once the kids are in bed.
Either of these options can work—you do what is right for your family. But whatever you choose, be sure that when your children are eating, you are there to provide warmth, attention, and connection as much as you are able.
And.
While all of these things we’ve covered can help, it is true that some children are highly sensitive to certain tastes or textures. There are ways to get more support if that seems to be the case.
You can book a free consultation with me to find out if what I offer might help. The folks at Symbio in San Francisco are another great resource if you have tried these or other strategies and find you need additional help. And you might check out Dina Rose’s book It’s Not About the Broccoli: Three Habits to Teach Your Kids for a Lifetime of Healthy Eating.
What else have you found helpful in raising a healthy eater? Let me know below in the comments.
